CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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