Ambien. No doubt about it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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