He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
