were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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