I hate your face
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
