I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
