the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
