3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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