i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
