I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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