Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
