Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
