my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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