He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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