If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
