I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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