just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize