Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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