Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
