all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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