you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
