Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Randomize
