She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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