I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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