You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize