i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
