By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
