I murdered the dance floor call the cops
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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