Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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