i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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