I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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