Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
