Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
