I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
