rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
