I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
