Dude my mom stole all your condoms
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
