i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
