yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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