***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
