i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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