i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
