i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
God I need to hump something, right now.
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