After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
