Tell her she can't have a vagina
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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