Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
