he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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