We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
