fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize