I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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