I puked a lego.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
