This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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