oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize