You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
