I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
