we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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