Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
